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【雅思作文批改】5分：對(duì)圖形分析類(lèi)作文比較陌生

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【雅思作文批改】5分：對(duì)圖形分析類(lèi)作文比較陌生


【雅思作文批改】5分：對(duì)圖形分析類(lèi)作文比較陌生【【雅思作文批改】5分：對(duì)圖形分析類(lèi)作文比較陌生】01、今天的題目是餅圖 線(xiàn)圖，這位同學(xué)顯然對(duì)圖形分析類(lèi)作文比較陌生 ， 論述時(shí)觀點(diǎn)不夠清晰，應(yīng)該要分清主次，但語(yǔ)法還不錯(cuò) ， 最終得5分 ?？纯蠢蠋熓窃鯓釉u(píng)價(jià)的？




作文題目：




作文內(nèi)容：

The chart illustrates thathow many units of electricity be[A1]demanded normally in England winter and summer.Thegraph presents fourfactors of an average English family electricity consumption.[A2]

It is clear to see thatpeople need far more electricity in winter than that in summer totally inEngland.There is a significant increase in the units of electricity from35000 in 0am to 40000 in 3am in winter,in contrast to 1800 units of electricityin summer.Furthermore, electricity consumption declines constantly to about13000 units in summer and the figure reduces the lowest point(3000 units)inwinter the next 6 hours.A fluctuation can befound in the data in summer between 9am and 21pm.Meanwhlie,the figureclimbs to the peak at 45000 units in winter.Then,a similar decreased rapidlytrend appears in the rest of day.

Heating rooms and water isthe primary factor of electricity[A3] ,with about half of respondents[A4]rating this highly.17.5% electricity is consumed forOvens,kettles,washing machines,with lighting,TV(15%) and vacuum cleaners,foodmixers contribute[A5]to electricity consumpution equally.

Overall,the amount of electricitydemanded in winter is around twice as that in summer.Heating is the prominentelement for electricity consumption.


[A1]Be-are
[A2]Four factors of the electricity consumption in a common British household
[A3]Electricity cost, 這里是電力消耗的四個(gè)因素，而不是電力
[A4]Respondents這個(gè)信息文中并未提及，這句算是你的推測(cè)，不建議寫(xiě)
[A5]contributing


各項(xiàng)細(xì)評(píng)：




針對(duì)問(wèn)題最大的一點(diǎn)給出修改建議：

1. 顯然對(duì)線(xiàn)圖的寫(xiě)法很陌生，這是一個(gè)雙線(xiàn)圖，建議不要混在一起寫(xiě)，這個(gè)雙線(xiàn)圖整體趨勢(shì)很類(lèi)似，就是在波動(dòng)，但又有區(qū)別，而且要把兩個(gè)線(xiàn)圖的極值指出來(lái) 。先描寫(xiě)總體的變化趨勢(shì)，再分段去寫(xiě) 。
2. 餅圖其實(shí)很明顯，供暖占據(jù)絕大比例 ， 這與線(xiàn)圖冬天電力需求大相對(duì)應(yīng)，而且234三個(gè)因素都只占百分之十幾 ， 這一點(diǎn)可以提一下 。
亮點(diǎn)，餅圖有兩個(gè)因素占比一樣，明確指出；結(jié)論段提出了線(xiàn)圖的一個(gè)規(guī)律就是倍數(shù) 。

附批改原圖：

【雅思作文批改】5分：對(duì)圖形分析類(lèi)作文比較陌生的內(nèi)容就分享到這里。

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